shivering blues

it’s not officially winter yet, but my bum is no less cold. it makes me think of better days, when the sky isn’t so gray and it doesn’t feel like the world is breathing down my neck. pressure pressure. air pressure? stress pressure.

this time last year i was in india. it’s 8th week now, so i think i was traveling by then…with mark. and we were all looking at temple after temple. it was hot. oh yes, i think we went to mysore first, stayed at that awesome green hotel. it’s funny– it all seems like it was so long ago, that i have trouble remembering all the details. but i can still remember the heat on my back and the beads of sweat forming on my nose, and climbing up three hundred steps at high noon. it was great. it didn’t feel so great then, but i’d give much to be doing that now. it’s cold. i don’t think i was made for cold climates. i don’t like the way the wind blows, like the arctic wind trying to drill inside your skull. i don’t like the way my lungs feel like they’re being filled with ice whenever i step outside.

but it’s not all doom and gloom. i like it here. it’s live-able. and it’s fun when it’s not cold. and i live 5 blocks away from barack obama. which is pretty funny. you’d think living close by someone would mean you would feel closer to them. i do, in a way. i was able to vote, and especially vote for someone that had an impact on the community that i’m living in now. but then there’s all the secret service, cops, blocking a chunk of 51st st., rerouting buses, cars, people. but it’s worth it of course. for the first time, i feel like i’m in the right place, at the right time. part of something bigger. ya either love it or hate it.

The UNITED States of America

I’ve never been more proud to be an American than this moment.

GO BARACK!

suffering

from major procrastination.

am even reading the chain mails that mom sends…

um

i just pulled a few strands of hair out.
not a good sign.

depressed stomach

ate too much yogurt pretzels.
ugh.
don’t know what to do with life.
double ugh.

Nerve-wracked

It is Monday, four weeks into the quarter, and I am once again stressed beyond belief. So instead of facing these issues and knocking them down one by one (as a real pro would), I am dropping it all and writing about how nerve-wracked I am.

Ok so it’s the fourth week into my fourth and final year at university. You’d think by now, I would have a clearer idea of my goals and dreams. And how to pursue them. You’d think, with ages comes wisdom. With time comes…plans?

But I have none of those things. I am, instead, faced with several possibilities. I’m taking my second decision-making class this quarter and I don’t think it’s making me any cleverer about choosing between a million things. Objectively, you’re supposed to take all the possibilities, weigh the pros and cons of all of them, and sort of put it into this calculating, filtering machine that is your brain, which cranks out the best choice among these possibilities.

No one does that of course, which is why we make big, HUGE, ginormous mistakes that could change us for the rest of our lives. OK, it might not be that dramatic, but it really does feel like that at the moment. Or, at the year. Or, at the rest of my life.

UGH. UGH^infinity

free

to care and not to care

我為什麼在想念他?

it’s that time again

that’s right boys and girls. it’s nearing finals week. looking at my past entries, i seem to have developed a penchant for blogging when i seriously don’t have time to. for serious. i need to be working on my research paper right now but am lacking the motivation/courage/energy to go any further.

aside from the somber note, it is a beautiful day in chicago. which makes it even more depressing because i can’t spend the day outside and am instead, relegated to the dark confines of the library for many hours to come.

wow. i put a negative spin on everything. why, oh life? out, out damned spot!

not to mention that third year is almost over and i have no idea what to do with my life.

i wonder if there are jobs opened for whiners/slackers/underachievers.

there is something twisting in my head
something biding
biding
deeply when my guard is down.
a little desire to destroy myself
one piece at a time.