making lists to feel accomplished

things to do after graduating:

• find a job apply to programs to delay finding a job
• programs that lead you to think you’re making a difference in the world in a year or two, like ending poverty and global warming
• study for and take the GRE
• if feeling particularly masochistic, study for the GMAT as well
• get recommendations
• figure out course of action for fulbright
• participate in NaNoWriMo
• think of clever ways to avoid finding a job yet appear productive and goal-fulfilling
• travel while making dough/making a difference: two hefty goals for a uofc graduate, but we’re trained to have high aspirations that amount to nothing and lead us straight back to academia

road to somewhere

it’s been exactly a week since graduating in the cold wet rain. currently in wisconsin at rosie’s at her graduation party–her dad teared up when trying to say how proud of rosie he is, which was very touching.

it’s been a week but i don’t feel like i’m a graduate. i suppose it has to take a while to sink in. but the bigger questions that everyone asks: what will you do next? are the ones that are really pressing. i can’t say i’ve enjoyed graduating. glad to be done but the uncertainty is hard to deal with. my life has been planned for the past 22 years. it’s strange to think that i can choose my own path now… and the prospect is rather frightening.

instead of my father tearing up about how proud he is (i mean, he is), he’s on my back about what i’m going to do next, asking why i haven’t figured it out by now. it’s a bit frustrating. i suppose i should have applied to some one or two-year program to delay the decision-making, but i didn’t think committing to a program that my future path is unrelated to was worth it.

it’s a strange time now, after graduating from uchicago. everyone has such high hopes. unsettling.

飛飛飛

我是一隻小小小小鳥

想要飛要飛

飛要飛不高

我不能繼續

我不能繼續

寫這片文章

這樣的要求算不算太高?

The end is nye

4 papers and 1 presentation to go

The end of my college career is marked down in pages and papers.

stretching the final stretch

Late May yet chilly

Nine days before last paper

So close yet so far

dead and bleary eyed

so tired. cannot keep eyes open. will be over soon. ahhh……

christmas

gifts. hate. wrapping.

dead and bleary eyed.

@__@

@__@

staring into space
the living room is chilly
need to write something

nerves

I have an interview at 11am. And my writing assignment is due. And my stomach is churning with nerves and stomach acid. Is this how ulcers develop? Feel a bit like drowning. Getting rather hard to breathe. It could be the outrageous heat. Stupid radiator. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Ommmmm….. unfurrow eyebrow. unpurse lips. breathe deeply. breathe deeply. think happy thoughts. think nothing. 飛飛飛

shivering blues

it’s not officially winter yet, but my bum is no less cold. it makes me think of better days, when the sky isn’t so gray and it doesn’t feel like the world is breathing down my neck. pressure pressure. air pressure? stress pressure.

this time last year i was in india. it’s 8th week now, so i think i was traveling by then…with mark. and we were all looking at temple after temple. it was hot. oh yes, i think we went to mysore first, stayed at that awesome green hotel. it’s funny– it all seems like it was so long ago, that i have trouble remembering all the details. but i can still remember the heat on my back and the beads of sweat forming on my nose, and climbing up three hundred steps at high noon. it was great. it didn’t feel so great then, but i’d give much to be doing that now. it’s cold. i don’t think i was made for cold climates. i don’t like the way the wind blows, like the arctic wind trying to drill inside your skull. i don’t like the way my lungs feel like they’re being filled with ice whenever i step outside.

but it’s not all doom and gloom. i like it here. it’s live-able. and it’s fun when it’s not cold. and i live 5 blocks away from barack obama. which is pretty funny. you’d think living close by someone would mean you would feel closer to them. i do, in a way. i was able to vote, and especially vote for someone that had an impact on the community that i’m living in now. but then there’s all the secret service, cops, blocking a chunk of 51st st., rerouting buses, cars, people. but it’s worth it of course. for the first time, i feel like i’m in the right place, at the right time. part of something bigger. ya either love it or hate it.